Wednesday, August 25, 2010

A little clarification

I guess I should clarify a few things.  Firstly, my husband isn't the complete demon I make him out to be.  Yes, he is introverted and distant.  Yes, he is denying me a normal, happy sexual relationship. Yes, he is extremely arrogant and has so much emotional baggage, he has to pay an excess just to get out of bed each day.  But he is not a bad man.  He does love me.  He loves me so much he married me.  He cares very deeply for my welfare and launches himself into 'Knight-In-Shining-Armour-I-Will-Save-You-My-Lady!' mode at the slightest threat or danger he perceives. He has never beaten me or spoken harshly to me without provocation.  He's just... special.

He has demons.  Notably they are all encapsulated in the form of his ex, whom I will refer to as J.  They dated on and off for six years, with J never confirming to any of her loved ones that they were actually dating.  She has two kids.  She never told them that he was her boyfriend. Not once.  Talk about head-fuck.

To that extent, my poor husband was always excluded, on the outside forever looking in.  She denied him love, dignity and for the most part, sex.  When they did have sex, as I've now seen, it was no-holds barred, great sex.  Something which I have never experienced with him. But eventually, he left her.  Knowing that she was bad for him, that he needed to get away from her to get on with his life, instead of living in an emotional limbo he finally broke free and moved on.  Problem is, he's never got any professional help.  He's still hung up on her.  He now treats me the way that she treated him, and no matter how many times I tell him that, he can't change it.  He has been to see a counsellor, once.  It did some good, but there is so much more which needs to be leached from his system, I honestly don't know how he ever managed to fall in love with me in the first place.

That being said, I also have my own demons.  Notably in the form of numerous ex boyfriends, some of which, after ending the relationship, I sought help to regain myself.  A difficult process.  The most recent bad relationship was with the man who ultimately introduced me to ana.  'G', was abusive, violent and childish.  He would throw temper tantrums like a kid in the candy aisle then lash out.  Upon seeing me bleeding on the ground, he would run away and cry, saying that I had made him feel bad.  He constantly rejected me. Told me off for 'embarrassing' him in public.  Told me I wasn't beautiful enough, that all the other girls he worked with were stunning and that I shouldn't bother trying to be in a competition with them.  He was a model, sportsman and loser.

Our sex life, just like that of my husband and J, was amazing. There was every kind of satisfaction and sexual fantasy fulfilled that you could imagine.  None of which I have shared with my husband.  So I guess we're both guilty of being beige in the bedroom.  Now all we have to do is work out how to slay our demons and we could have a great marriage.  It's the working out bit I'm struggling with.

Recently, I found a man's wedding ring.  It was the wedding ring that G had bought, in anticipation of marrying me.  The sight of it brought back such terrible memories, such bile and vitriol, I nearly threw up.  I threw the little box into the rubbish, where I hoped it would stay, destined to end up in a landfill somewhere, or found by a homeless person and then sold for food or clothes.  But it didn't.  My husband found the box and without telling me, decided to keep it.  He says that he wanted to sell it and then buy me something nice.  He had hidden it in his underwear drawer.  I was putting away his laundry when I found it.  It was like reliving a moment when you discover a voodoo curse has been placed on you and you find the evil doll, filled with poison in your home.  My love bubble for my husband has burst.  In that moment, I knew that he had no idea of who I really am, or how my past experiences have shaped me.  He's too busy always looking for the 'something better is yet to come future' to recognise that the past is where our foundations are laid.

I don't love him any more.  I know I rant and say I hate him, but that's not entirely true.  I am angry with him.  He has betrayed me.  His actions now meant that I can't even think about my wedding day without bitterness and regret, when it was supposed to be a good memory.  I can't wait to go and see the counsellor again.  Husband will be away for work, which means I can go by myself and talk about the elephant in the room.  Prepare myself fo what's to come.  Will I continue on in this marriage?  Who knows.  Part of me hopes so.  I truly believed when I married him that it would be for the rest of my natural life.  Divorce is not a path I wish to tread.  But I cannot trust him. Not now and probably never again.  The shining, silvered love I carried for him so carefully in my heart is naught but a tarnished and broken memory now.  Sad, really.

However, this revelation does have a silver lining.  I am now free of caring about his opinions and needs.  Now I no longer love him, I can truly be myself.  It is so liberating.  I got on the scales this morning, despite sausage-gate and the dinner last night (clear broth with a few veg) I'm down 800g.  Not exactly what I had hoped for, but a good result none-the-less.

Today will be another day on the cross trainer.  I'm also going to go out and get myself and exercise dvd - just so I can get some variety in my exercise routine.  Maybe that will aid in the shrinkage.  I am hopeful.  Hopeful and excited.  This new day, this new beginning is clearing the way for my journey to weight loss like nothing else.   Ana is proud of me and so am I.

Love and peace,
S xx

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