Monday, August 23, 2010

Day one...

So.  Here we are. All of us together.  I should let you know that I'm starting this blog in the hope that I can stay on track.  Stay in control.  Keep the cravings and the questions at bay.  Most of all, this is a little piece of escapism, designed to get me and by proxy, you, to where we want to be.  So where is that? 
For some that is a question which can never be answered, but for me, it's easy.  I want to be in the beautiful land of Skinny.

So here goes.

I guess everything has a trigger. A beginning.  I mean, I didn't just wake up one morning and decide to "pick" Ana as my friend.  I think she chose me.  So, when did I start?  When was my beginning?  To be honest, it was several years ago and it was (of course) because of a boy.  I didn't even know what was happening or even what I was doing.  All I knew was that I liked it.  I liked having control.  I liked being able to see my heart beating through my skin.  It was a rush. An unbelievable high.  Watching plebs and fat pigs stuff their greasy faces and laughing at them the whole time.

The boy in question was an asshole.  He wasn't really worth it, but the pain and desperation he instilled in me was fuel for my fire.  He got me to where I wanted to be, even if the end result was not what I desired.  After much heartache and head-fucking, I left.  Left the state and started a new life in a new city.  It was my downfall.  Without him, the flab started creeping back on. And on, and on and on.  Before I knew it, I was the fat pig stuffing my greasy face.  35kg heavier. Disgusting.  Irregardless of that, I met someone.  Someone who, at the time, wasn't like my ex.  He kept his dick in his pants, treated me with dignity and respectand he found me sexy.  "The most sensual woman he'd ever known". was his line. 

So we began dating. It was great, the sex was great. He was intelligent, fun and creative.  We would sing together at his piano and laugh and drink late into the night. But after a while, I felt he was too needy, so I left him for about 2 months.  I headed to another city to spend some time whoring myself around before heading back.  I invited him to my 30th birthday where he stuck close by my side all night.  I capitulated and we started dating again. 

To cut a long story short, we're now married.  "Aaaawwww, how sweet!"  I can hear some people think...  But....

Three weeks before we got married, he had to go overseas for a work trip.  He was supposed to be gone for two weeks and was going to be in LA, Washington and Denver for various conferences and meetings.  Except he didn't just go to LA, Washington and Denver.  He also decided to take a little holiday to Miami Beach on the side to "catch up with" an old flame he'd met years ago on the net.

When he got back, he told me he's made this side trip, that it was a whim and that he'd spent the entire weekend talking to this woman about me and our relationship and that he was able to come back home to me knowing that he could marry me with all of his heart, there were no doubts in his mind that I was The One.  Ok, great, I thought, not the best thing in the world, but at least he was honest.

So, we got married, went on honeymoon and it sucked.  We had sex ONCE. And to describe it as vanilla would be an insult to all those-vanilla lovers out there. I've never felt like I've been making love all by myself until then.  Or like I was some sort of masturbatory device.  He just laid there with his eyes closed, not looking at me, interacting with me or even seeming to enjoy himself.  And it's been like that ever since.  So I decided to ask the question.

His answer was a shock.  He had fucked her.  And not just fucked her, but done all the things with her that he never does with me.  Three weeks before we were due to be married.  He had lied to me, planned a holiday with this woman and then spent four days with her. Three weeks before we were supposed to be getting married.  More than anything, I was mad at him for not giving me the option to decide whether or not I still wanted to go ahead and get married, or do as my natural instinct directed me to do and cut my losses and run.  I mean, once a cheater, always a cheater, right?  But I never got that option.  And now I'm trapped trapped in a marriage where my husband no longer finds me attractive because a) he fucked someone else and b) he's still all fucked up over this other slut whom he dated on and off for six years before meeting me and she treated him like total shit, so she was forever the un-obtainable love. So now we're going to marriage counselling.  Ha!  What a joke, not even married for one year and we're already in therapy.  I fucking hate my husband.

Today, I found the pornos he made with his slag ex.  Great.  More evidence my husband is a good lover but that he refuses to share that part of himself with me.  What the fuck is wrong with me??

Stupid question, really.  I've known the answer to that question for months now... I Am FAT.

So here I am, alone, devastated and fat.  I have no family in this city and even if I did, I can't tell them what has happened.  Or my friends.  They all love him.  Think he's wonderful.

Luckily, I have one friend I can tell... Ana.  Thank God she's come back to save me.  How could I have forgotten about her at all?  My fire has been lit.  My path is clear.  Already, Ana has taken away some of the burden of my horrible marriage and given me back my power.  She's taken 14kgs off my frame and with her help, another 16 will soon go too.  I love her. Together we have successfully fasted, eating only the most token amounts when required and come up with the most fabulous excuses.

Today I'm starting another fast.. Mondays are great - I have the day off so I can spend hours on my cross trainer, with only water and juices to keep my paces up.  He comes home from work about 5, I usually have dinner, but then I go to a late sales meeting, so I can leave the house without having to sit down at the dinner table with him.  Otherwise he watches me like a goddamn hawk.  I mean, seriously, what fucking right does he have over my body?  None!  I've found a like to a salt cleansing which I'm going to try on Wednesday.  Failing that, I'll just stick to the cabbage and juice I've been forced to take in.

Tomorrow is a new day.  I can't wait to see what the scales will tell me. Me and my best friend Ana.
Bless to all xx

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