Monday, November 1, 2010

The Wagon

I am so, so sorry.  It has been aeons since my last post.  I am a selfish, selfish woman, but I am alive, and I have love in my heart and it is all for you.  So these words are for you and you alone, in the dark of our nights and the brightness of our days, please, please remember, these are for you....

There are many many, many kinds of wagon. Each with their own nuances and foibles.  There is the noisy band wagon, complete with brass players, trumpeting their joyous righteousness to the world. The infuriatingly slow fruit wagons, laden with lush ripe fruit destined for chaotic markets. Brightly coloured and elaborately decorated gypsy wagons, complete with suspicious-eyed children, clutching hand-made toys, clinging to the frame. But there is only one true Wagon. It is the one we can fall off.

I fell off the wagon.

I let myself believe that it was ok.  That falling into the dirt of life and lust and fickleness wouldn't hurt me. Oh how wrong could I be...

I sat, for a while, choking on the dust of toast and sushi, a sandwich - with butter. Such turmoil, such burning, twisting, all-consuming disgust!  How? How, Sass, how? How could you LET YOURSELF GO like that? Truly, little girl, you are repugnant. You are nothing but a gob. A flapping, eating gob. Gobble, gobbble, gobble.

And, yet, God help me, I love you.

So there I sat, and let the wagon leave me in my dirt. Wallowing in my misery/happiness/delusion. I binged and purged to an equilibrium. Until I was nothing. Until nothing happened. Until there was quiet. Peace. 'Till he came back.  My true love, my betrayer, my love, my husband, my knife.

For the last few days/weeks/years, I have (miraculously) not gained any weight. Through a constant cyclical system of binge/purge/starve I have maintained a level weight of 72kg. Until recently. Until a visit to the therapist - he whom I once called Ally. Filthy liar. He made me live it again, brought it up - made us re-live it again.

Reminded me about her. About ana. About how much I have missed her.

Tonight is the one-year anniversary of my husband's unfaithfulness. One year since he lay with the Canadian Slut and defiled my trust and love. I am now teetering at the edge of 70kg.

Please? Somebody give me a push?

I love you all.
Bless to all, xx S