Thursday, September 9, 2010

Encore et toujours

Again and forever. Eat, you fat pig, eat!  This seems to be my eternal struggle.  I met a girlfriend for lunch today, I took her to a sushi train, thinking that if I talk as much as I normally do, I won't eat much, won't go over my 500 cal limit... Epic, epic fail!  While I know that it probably won't do too much damage - I tried to keep to pieces of fish only, avoiding as many carbs as possible - my belly feels horribly full.  Distended, uncomfortable, fat.

Why do I do this to myself?  Why am I always and forever repeating this cycle? Why must I eat at all?  Isn't there some sort of sign I can wear around my neck, or better yet, a tattoo I can get? Something like "I don't do food" or "Food? Get fucked!" Surely there must be... But only in a world without bleeding hearts and judgemental fuckwits.

Worse than that, when I got on my scales this morning a horrible new number flashed its glaring face at me. A number above what I was yesterday, 400g more. And now the failure of eating. Fuckity, fuckity, fuck. My albatross. My burden to bear. My weakness. My betrayal.

Never mind.  Tomorrow means that I can fast to my heart's content. I'm going to be away from home, out of the office, away from all temptations with only my water bottle for company and my cross trainer waiting patiently at home.  I shall maintain control, looking for that light-headed buzz of knowing that I've been able to smile sweetly and say 'No, thank you. I don't do food.' There is hope on the horizon, but dammit, I hate eating. I hate being fat. I want to be me again. I want the future to be here now.

Thin me up, Scotty.

Bless to all,
S xx


  1. When my friend and I go out for sushi, our boat ends up being big enough to ride in. I can NOT restrain myself when it comes to certain foods.
    So I just use them as motivation... I go out to a fave restaurant once a month.
    Oh and fasting afterword is gonna make a huge difference. No worries.

  2. Sushi has a lot of salt in it, if you use soy sauce. If you ate only fish you probably didn't eat as many calories as you think. I do sushi by ordering a bowl of miso, some cucumber salad, and a roll with no mayo or avocado, and I secretly take most of the rice off as I eat. I also eat ginger instead of food.

    Having a plan for each type of resturant is essential to me. I find it very hard to resist resturant cuisine on the whole. Sometimes I manage it, but when I don't, I purge. Very lame.

    Try to look at is as a metabolism booster. If you restrict for a few days it could have positive effects.

    I hope you enjoy your day and your fast...