In the eyes of the beholder

Beauty is everywhere. For some it is natural beauty, others, finely crafted works of art. Others again prefer shiny, man-made edifices, testaments to man's stranglehold on the earth. Then there are those of us who can see beauty everywhere. They are the lucky ones.

In the strange land where I work, there is beauty aplenty. Tall slender girls with legs stretching all the way to their armpits drift artlessly across streets, slipping effortlessly into the cracks in the pavement. They waft through hallways and theatres, balancing heavy books on their light frames, their beauty made even more poignant by the lack of space they occupy. Their tinkling laughter and inane conversations drift across verdant lawns, surprising the unaware listener with their youth and innocence. Sirens. Living thinspiration. I am surrounded by it and yet, I will never be a part of the scenery.

Whilst working in such an environment is extremely beneficial to my fasting efforts, the realisation that youthfulness and grace have long since departed my now heavy and cumbersome frame is disheartening. Age, my lovelies, is a bitch.  Still, I persist. I try. I try again and again and again, to bring myself back to the place where I will be happy. I look at the beauty surrounding me and I spit out the half a biscuit I was munching on. I refuse the chocolate being passed around the office, drink another cup of green tea. I tell myself I can keep going consume nothing, fade into power and beauty... Until my traitorous body announces its desire to eat.

My greatest essayer is of course, my own will. Will I eat today? Will I have the strength and control to stay within the calorie limit I have set for myself? Or will I fail? Curl up in a ball of misery and self-depreciation, binging until I explode from unhappiness and loathing? It is an everyday struggle.

Happily, some days are better than others. Some days, like today, start with a happy number on the scales, a loss. Then they progress, surrounded by beauty, inspiring me to stay the course, stay on track, reach my goal. Days like today are worth it. They are beautiful. And beauty is quite something to behold.

Bless to all,
xx S